


To Be Loved

by Mawific



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-02 01:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17878403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mawific/pseuds/Mawific
Summary: Post KH3, Xehanort reflects on a ghostly memory of a toy's voice.





	To Be Loved

It was time for training, but he found himself not at all focused. He couldn’t remember his dream from last night, but he knew that he had been very important. He felt as if he had lost memory of something prophetic in nature. Eraqus kept trying to re-focus him but it was no use. He felt dazed, lost in time almost. Was this disassociating? Was he perhaps living out another life during his dreams, and just now it was all catching up to him? Surely not.

“Xehanort…what’s going on with you?”

It took Xehanort more than a moment to look at his friend. He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m just not feeling it today. Sorry.” He turned his head away from his friend, looking out the window. The view was pretty, sure, but it wasn’t breathtaking to him. It was just another view. Closing his eyes, he caught a glimpse, a memory, perhaps? An obsolete, dusty place. He was sure he had never been there, and as soon as the image flashed before his eyes, it was gone. It grated on his nerves that he couldn’t even seem to grasp the image that had been in his mind a moment before, but was merely left with his thoughts of it: an obsolete, dusty place. Infuriating.

It was Eraqus that brought him back to the present once again. This time with a hand on his arm, slightly squeezing the thoughts out of him. He was always so distracting. “If you need to rest today, that’s no problem, ok?”

Xehanort looked at his friend for a moment before letting out a small chuckle. “And let you surpass me? No thanks.” He shifted and then set in to focus on their chess game once more. This wasn’t even their main training, but it was something both of them ended up enjoying a lot. He didn’t want to let Eraqus down.

As the game went on, Xehanort had a tugging, nagging feeling envelope him. It had to do with that dream again, for sure, but it felt more emotionally charged than before. Looking at his friend—at his small smile when he made a good move, and the way he bit his lip when he was cornered…it brought this pain to his chest. It wasn’t until after the game was over, after Eraqus had won, that Xehanort had another foreign “flashback”. A voice in the back of his head had the nerve to tell him “no one’s ever loved you before”. He sat there, dumbfounded, staring blankly at Eraqus while repeating the phrase in his head. That’s were this pain in his chest was from. But who’s voice was that? And why was it coming to him now, as if it were a recent memory? He would have remembered had someone said that to him before. Surely this wasn’t from one of his books. It felt so far away, as if it was thrice removed from himself.

Eraqus lost his smile quickly, furrowing his brow at Xehanort. It was almost like a wake-up call. He saw the upset look in Eraqus’ eyes and couldn’t help but feel guilty. “You know…” Eraqus spoke deliberately, Xehanort picking up that he was choosing his words wisely. “I…you can talk to me, right? We’re friends. If something is, bothering you—”

“I don’t know what’s bothering me, honestly.” Xehanort didn’t want to make Eraqus fish for any more words. Eraqus leaned forward, over the chess board.

“But something _is_ bothering you, right? Maybe you just need to let your thoughts out.”

Xehanort couldn’t help but smile. They had been friends—rivals, truly—for so long. For years they have sat here and played these chess matches with one another. Between the two of them, they probably have experienced a lifetime of classes, study-filled days and nights, and training sessions. All this time together, and he had rarely opened up to his counterpart. It never had felt necessary, emotions only got in the way of things. That was the difference between the two of them. Eraqus and Xehanort shared the same emotions—nervousness, fear, loneliness at times—but Eraqus was the one who always acted on them. Crying openly to Xehanort about messing something up on a test was, at this point, commonplace—whether he had actually messed something up or not. Eraqus, on the other hand, had never seen Xehanort cry. He had made sure it never happened. “I think I’ll be okay. Thank you, though.” His response was the same as always.

“Xehanort…” Eraqus looked sad. He was supposed to shrug it off, as always, but of course this time he was going to dwell on it. “You always bottle your feelings up. Do you not trust me?”

Xehanort sighed. How did Eraqus expect him to open up about something he, himself, wasn’t sure about? These faux memories—this lingering dream—it was all too much to try to explain. He felt overwhelmed just thinking about putting it into words. So, Xehanort did the only thing that he could think of. Without saying a word, he stood up and left. Part of him knew this would hurt his friend, but he couldn’t be bothered with that at this moment in time. Needless emotions. Perhaps this is why this foreign voice had claimed him as unloved? How could somebody love an empty shell of a human, isn’t that right?

It hurt him to think about, but he felt the need to attempt to harden himself nonetheless. In the end, he would be better off gaining the title of “master” without emotions making it that much harder. He already was dealing with Eraqus, who no doubt deserved that title so much more than he did. His heritage was what mattered. Even if Xehanort had, in the end, been better to receive the title, Eraqus had earned it by being born. That was the long and short of it.

Xehanort found himself walking, as he usually did when he wasn’t feeling himself, in the back alleys. The ocean was beautiful to look at, but the rest of the population of Scala ad Caelum spent most of their time on the docks and in the open-air market. It was loud and noisy. The alleyways, however, gave the luxury of fresh air without the noise of the bustling people. It was a shame, because the beach felt ever-calling to him as it reminded him of home. But the shores of his hometown were never this crowded. You could sit all day there without someone giving you a second glance. Here? Here you couldn’t even walk in the square without three people trying to steal your time.

It felt comforting to be away from Eraqus, as well. There was something very suffocating about being in such close quarters with him—surely it was all of the light that shown from him. He was sure that Eraqus had felt love, if not only because of that light he exuded. There was no way for people not to feel drawn to him. In the end, as much as it did hurt, it was Eraqus that was the favorite. Perhaps he, himself, had always been prone to darkness, but there is a chance that Eraqus’ overbearing light shoved him face-first into it. There was no light left for him, anyway.

Xehanort lost himself in the alleys until the sun started to set. Tears betrayed his emotions, his feelings of unworthiness and of being unloved, but there was not much more than a mouse or two around to witness it. The shadows of the alleyways hid all, and he couldn’t have been more grateful for the darkness than when he needed to cry. It always did seem to comfort him, the gaze of the shadows was nothing like the gaze of another.

As the sky darkened, he meandered back. He wasn’t expecting to go to his room and find someone waiting for him, but was surprised by Eraqus’ presence. Eraqus looked as if he had been crying, as well. Xehanort had only the time to notice this before he was bombarded by his friend.

“Where have you been?” His voice was wavering, worry oozing out in between his words. “I looked all over for you. Please, don’t scare me like that again.”

Xehanort was taken aback by not only the circumstance of coming back to his bed to find Eraqus sitting in it, pouting and tear-stained, but also by the look of worry in his eyes and the amount of emotion that poured out in his voice. He tried not to, but he couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Wha— _Xehanort_ , do you think this is funny? I thought you had run away! I was worried!” He hadn’t meant to upset Eraqus, but he couldn’t help but continue to laugh. At the very least, it worked to cover up his wave of unwanted tears.

Xehanort did have to admit that it was funny. Funny that he had spent most of the day thinking about how he had not felt love, just to come back to his room and be reminded first-hand. Whoever that voice belonged to, they were wrong. At the very least, this, right now, was love. He smiled at Eraqus, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you,” his voice no doubt wavering against his will, “for caring for me.”

Most of that night was spent bathed in Eraqus’ light. He refused to give in and share too much emotion with him, but he couldn’t help the initial tears that fell long after his laughter stopped. But the light, it was welcoming. This time. The warmth of Eraqus’ embrace was more needed than he ever would have thought. The comfort that was offered only furthered his belief that, without a doubt, Eraqus loved him. Maybe he hadn’t always—he wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter in the end. This was love. He was embraced by it and by Eraqus’ light.

And it felt so much better than the embrace of the darkness.


End file.
